The Woman

The weekend brought a batchmate from B-school on her Mumbai posting. Someone I had loved and lost and had fond memories of. We met, we hugged and as we walked again hand-in-hand, those days, those feelings came back rushing into my heart... for a moment I forgot all that had transpired between us and life was beautiful beyond words for those few moments.

Later that night, I could not control myself and went to meet her again at her hotel. As we talked about days gone by, she got a call from her boyfriend. That was when I felt this intense sense of guilt, lying in the same bed with her... talking to her. Coz her boyfriend is a good friend of mine... and what was I doing here at 1 am, in his girlfriend's hotel room?

I couldn't stay there any longer, but I didnt want to leave her, so I suggested we go someplace near for a cup of coffee. But I was feeling so awkward by then that I was suddenly looking for topics to strike a conversation (all day, not once had we run about stuff to talk about). That one phone call had brought me back to reality...that she was no longer mine, that she might hold my hand and smile oh-so-cutely at me... but she is NOT MINE!!!

Finally, after a brief spell of silence, as I sipped my coffee and while my heart wept, she asked, 'So Bissu, wats new?' and I replied with a question that I wish I had never asked, I said, 'Nothing... u tell me wats new?' She is the most innocent women I have ever known and she knew what I was going through, she wanted to put an end to it, she said, 'I am getting married to him next year.' She knew she was breaking my heart, but she also knew that there was no other way to let me know that it was over, that she might have liked me but her love was someone else, that things might have been different... but they were not!

I smiled, congratulated her, an avalanche of thoughts and emotions filled me and I dont know how idiotic I looked sitting there... groping for words to change the conversation that had come to a standstill. I looked for the waiter, asked him for the cheque, smiled at her and said, 'Awful coffee', probably I meant, 'My life sucks!' On our way back to the hotel, she placed a sympathetic hand on my shoulder, my heart was crying but I could not let her know that. So I tried to talk about my hunt for accomodation in Versova. For the first time in my life, I could hear myself speaking so incoherently, that I knew I was sounding like an ass. My voice was trembling and I was catching up on words, I was talking without looking at her, coz I knew that I would cry if I looked into her eyes again. She remained silent, probably thinking why on that fateful last day of my MBA had she decided to tell me that 'she liked me but did not love me!' She must have blamed herself... but I wouldnt change any of that... coz pained as I am due to all this... I still love her... and am fortunate that I have spent time with this amazing person...I may not be able to have her in my life... but I have memories of her, moments which are vividly etched in my heart... and why should I be sad... I should be grateful for the time we shared together.

God bless her.