Somewhere between Andheri and Vile-Parle... I found myself.

My mind had become a royal, stinkful mess. Some of the events which had caused this horrid state have been described in my earlier post 'The Woman'. I used to think, I was far better off than those majnus who run after women... and yet, this one woman had totally turned by world upside down. Okay, I love her more than the world, and I would do anything for her... but now that I know she can never be mine... Am I gonna spend the rest of my life wallowing in self-pity and helplessness? Fuck....

As a thousand thoughts like these crossed my mind, I sat up in my mattress. My roomie, who was till now busy figuring out 'alligations and mixtures' for his impending CAT exam looked at me in a way which said, "Dude, now what?". I replied to that implied question with, "Dude, I am going out for a walk." Now that must have surprised him for two reasons... one, I would normally have added a 'Do u wanna come along' to that sentence... and two, it was 11:30 pm... a good time for me to doze off reading Naomi Klein's No Logo. But he did have a clue about what I was going through... so he just nodded... I was out of the room and onto the street in no time....

S.V Road near Andheri Station is quite crowded even at 11:30 pm. The place was still choc-a-bloc with people and traffic. The roadside vendors were packing their wares... red combs and brushes, 'Chadhti Jawani' mp3 CDs, Salman Khan posters, rings that had F.R.I.E.N.D.S engraved on them, and what not. In Mumbai, people will buy absolutely anything you sell. The last time I felt this way was when I had visited Mumbai largest shopping mall, InOrbit, Malad. But that would be digressing from our topic.

So, here I was standing near Andheri station... I start walking against the crowd... a bit like that guy in that video... I think its 'Bittersweet Symphony'... anyways, my thoughts have so clouded my head by now that the people walking past me have become a complete blur... almost like lazers whizzing past me... I am walking really fast... and I am crying at the same time. Coz my heart is broken, my career is screwed up and I dont like the way I look and I hate myself for the habits I keep.

But instead of feeling like shit, I suddenly feel strong, for having the courage to talk to myself about what was wrong in my life... my fists are clenched as I walk with my head held high.. my tears have dried up and now I am walking... looking at myself as a specimen in a lab... trying to dissect the issues, problems and imperatives in my life....

Am I fat? Not really, but I have been kinda healthy for 8 years now... so I have this nice motorcyle-tyre sized ring if fat around my belly and I hate it. So, I decided its time to do something about it... and I made
Resolution No. 1: No between-meal snacks, no non-veg, no sweets and carbonated drinks and no rice!
Easier said than done for a bengali.. but what the fuck!

I am sweating by now with all that heavy-duty walking. Find a pan-shop and am about to buy a cigarette. but something tells me not to. So, I buy a bottle of water and walk on. I drink some water and pour the rest on my head. Passerbies think I am nuts, I smile as I feel that they are nuts coz I am taking control of my life.

I have been a cigarette addict for 4 years now. I smoke arund 10-12 sticks everyday. I start thinking about how pleasurable the post-lunch smoke would be, long before I even finish my lunch. Rushing out of the cold movie hall during the intermission, and letting that first drag enter your throat and then your lungs and belly, letting the warmth percolate into every pore of your body... smoking was fun. In pubs, canteens and now at office, I had smoked, socialised and enjoyed every bit of it. But at times I had tried to quit and failed every single time. By the end of it, I had stopped beleving in my will to do something .... and hence it was time to quit one last time... to be able to beleive that I may have lost the girl, but I am not gonna lose my life! So, resolution No.2: No Smoking... and since I was on a resolution making spree... no drinking too!

I paused as I realized that all of a sudden, the traffic on the road had reduced. I looked around that I had walked all the way to Vile-Parle... I was not feeling the least tired... but I decided to return coz the chaps back home would be sleeping and it wouldnt be a good idea waking them up too late in the night. My thoughts by now were racing from one issue to another, it was as if someone up there decided to take my problems one my one and just help me put an end to each one of them, all in one night... so I finally come to the biggest problem of my life... my career. I dont like what I am doing? So, I decide to change my career. I am not going to let my education shackle me when it should liberate me. I should not let the need for security to prevent me for doing what I love and achieving what I beleive is my passion and destiny. So,
Resolution No. 3: Quit the job within 4 months and get into what you really wanna do!

I was nearing home.. and was surprised at how much that long walk changed me... I had left home depressed, down and hopeless. I was back smiling, feeling strong and at peace with myself. I was surprised as I felt grateful to that woman for she came into my life and compelled me to take stock of it... she might not be mine... but she couldnt have meant more to me... infact if she had been mine... I would feel like I have got all I wanted... and that would be as good as being dead... so in a way... she is the reason why I live... coz not getting her gives my life a million more goals to achieve....

Yeah, I know that my resolutions are tough to keep... that life again will throw up new challenges, new problems and sorrows... but I also know that the solutions to these problems lie within me... and I just have to go and find them.... somewhere between Andheri and Vile-Parle